Pretenses
by Ice Princess3
Summary: Four words. Four girls. Four different perspectives on what is behind the pretenses {Improv #22}
1. Pretend

Disclaimer: Gilmore Girls belongs to Amy Sherman Palladino, and since my name is Katie…I guess that means it's not mine. 

A/N: This is for Gilmore Girls improv, it's my first one, and I just hope I did okay. Let me know what you think. The next chapters for my other GG stories should be out soon. This just gave me inspiration. 

Improv # 22: pretend, lust, loathe, personality

Pretend: Rory

Remember when you were little and your favorite game was make-believe? It was the best game because you could pretend to be anything, anyone, and anywhere you wanted. It was freeing. My mom and I played a lot of pretend when I was little. We'd pretend the gardening shed where we lived was a cottage at the edge of an enchanted wood and that a valiant prince was trying to fight his way through to come rescue us. Of course there was an evil sorceress that kept foiling his, and our, every attempt. Later in life I would reflect on how much the sorceress resembled Grandma. I guess Mom was just projecting. But anyway that was the harmless kind of pretending. And then there's the other kind.

            Like the time my Dad was supposed to pick me up for my eighth birthday and we were going to spend the whole day together! I was so excited I couldn't make myself fall asleep the night before. It took me hours to pick out my birthday outfit, I spent hours deliberating with my mom on what to wear, but my mom understood. You've seen how she gets before a date right? Just picture an eight year old instead. So I finally had the perfect outfit and these neat sparkly hair ties and I watched the clock just waiting. 

And he never showed up. As the hours passed my mom used all kinds of excuses. From car trouble to alien abduction, she made up funny stories to distract me, but nothing worked. I tried to pretend along with her but I couldn't. Suddenly make-believe wasn't that fun anymore. Of course my Dad called the next day and apologized, he had gotten the days mixed up, and even though I forgave him I had learned my lesson. Pretending could be dangerous. Cause I had pretended that he was the prince coming to rescue us, but he wasn't. No prince was coming. And that was okay; Mom and I were fine on our own.

            And as I got older I thought I'd have less use for my skills of make-believe but that's not true. I pretended to love Dean when I was falling for Jess and we all know how well that ended. With me breaking Dean's heart and hurting Jess as well. See it's dangerous. And if we're on the topic of boys I might as well bring up Tristan. See I thought if I pretended I wasn't attracted to him that it would go away. Well I was wrong and it didn't go away. But he did. And part of me regrets that I never took a chance with him because now I'll never know. 

            So now here I am, eighteen years old about to make a decisions that will set the course for the rest of my life and I'm just pretending I know what I'm doing. I don't know which college I want to go to. I always thought it would be so easy, I got into Harvard therefore I go to Harvard. But now I'm not so sure. If I chose Harvard I hurt my Grandparents feelings and Paris's too. If I choose Yale I hurt my Mom. Maybe I should just go to Princeton. I could learn to like New Jersey. 

And along with major life decisions comes the other biggie, sex. To have it or not to have it? I know a lot of girls don't stress as much about it and I know they probably didn't make up a pro and con list that they kept hidden under their bed. But it's a HUGE decision for me. I told my mom I was thinking about it and I told Jess too. But after the whole Paris thing, maybe I'm not as ready as I thought. Maybe I was just pretending…see there's that word again. 

            Pretending—see somewhere the lines between pretending and not became blurred. And now it's all a big mess. And I don't even know if I'm being myself or just pretending…


	2. Lust

Lust: Louise

            Lust, it's one of the seven deadly sins, and one of my ex-boyfriends said I was sin incarnate. So I guess it fits. I lust after lots of different things from boys to the perfect shade of lip gloss, from a prefect GPA to the new Kate Spade purse I saw at Barneys on my last trip to the city. What's so deadly about that? I want things, big deal, so does everyone. Except for those noble Ned Flanders do-gooders, and you don't want to get me started on them. 

            As Madonna said "_We are living in a material world and I am a material girl_'". And I am a material girl; I feel no shame in saying that. Material possessions can always be had, as long as you had enough money, and usually I did. There wasn't anything out of reach. I like that. They don't change their minds and if they break you can always get another just like it. It's simple. And in this I include boys, at least the ones I date, and I use the term "date" loosely. Easy come, easy go. Boys are just another accessory like shoes; they can make or break on outfit. Imagine if you showed up to a party in a hot pink dress while escorting a redhead. It would clash, you see what I mean? 

            Okay so maybe a long time ago I lusted after things I couldn't have and so I learned my lesson. There are some things I will never have, my parents' love being one of them. I'm not saying this so you can feel sorry for the 'poor little rich girl', don't, it's just a fact. My parents don't love me. They conceived me because it was what was expected of them, of course I was supposed to be a boy, but that didn't work out obviously. And it was a difficult birth and something went wrong and now my mother can't have any other children. So I'm the heir apparent. Okay scratch that, I'm the heiress waiting until they pick a suitable husband to inherit the company. I wasn't the child they wanted and they sure as hell aren't the parents I wanted. 

            But when I was younger I didn't know that. I just wanted their affection, god I just wanted their attention, and ultimately their love. I was too young to realize they didn't have any to give. And I tried to be the best little girl in the world. I thought that if I behaved well and did everything they asked they would love me. Nope, didn't happen. I wasted many frilly pink dresses and white gloves trying to gain their love. And as I got older I drifted away from it. I thought about doing the petty rebellion stint to get their attention. Negative reinforcement and all that shrink talk, but it was just too cliché, and I strive not to be cliché. So I grew as disinterested in them as they were in me.

            So I settle for what I get in that arena. Scraps of approval on grades and gaining the proper connections for the future, little careless words they fling around to appease me, and I smile and thank them as if I even give a damn anymore. And then I ask for the credit card and all is well. And that's what it all comes down to. 

            I lust only after the things I can have, the sublimely material possessions, not the wish-washy emotions of others. Do I want someone to love me? Yes, I do. Do I lust after it? No, not anymore, I learned that lesson. I'm over it. I'm sure some psychoanalyst would love to make a study of me and say how unhealthy it is to choose material possessions over human emotions. So what? I chose it and in a way this life chose me. Lust is simply a craving I fill by using my Visa. If that's unhealthy, then fine I'm unhealthy. And maybe I'm not the textbook definition of happy but I do have a fabulous Dolce & Gabbana dress, cute Manolo Blahnik shoes, a Kate Spade handbag and a gorgeous blonde for the next party. And that suits me just fine. 


	3. Loathe

Loathe: Paris

            I'm a determined person, that's not a surprising revelation; I've even been likened to a pit bull. Of course the person who said that wore a black eye for the rest of the week, but I digress. Point is I know what I want and I go after it. There's nothing wrong with that. Until I don't get what I want, and I wanted Harvard. But Harvard didn't want me. And I hate that, it makes me livid, I loathe Harvard. And I am good at loathing and holding grudges. Just ask Rory, she can attest to that. 

            I loathed her on sight, or okay upon reading her transcript, she was a threat. And I wanted that threat eliminated. And of course she gets in and I don't, talk about ironic. I'm not bitter towards her for getting in; I'm not—really. But I don't understand, why not me? I've worked just as hard, no, I've worked harder, I think my mental breakdown on CSPAN made that perfectly clear, I still cringe whenever I think of that. I still cringe when I hear anyone mention Harvard. I'm not great at making adjustments and not going to Harvard is a BIG adjustment.

            My whole life has been planned towards this goal. And I, Paris Gellar, did not achieve it. Part of my still doesn't believe it. When I set my sights on something I don't let any negative thoughts in, so the thought that I wouldn't get into Harvard never even crossed my mind. Well, maybe it did but only at 3 am, you know when you can't sleep and you stare at the ceiling and every bad thought you could ever possible have passes through your mind, but only then. But it didn't matter cause I failed. And I don't take failure well.

            My mother used to be this huge tennis buff, later I found out she was boffing the tennis instructor so that made sense, but anyway I took up tennis with her. It was something we could do together and I wanted very badly to impress her. But I stunk. I was awful at it and my mother just sent me this pitying looks that turned to frustration because unlike my perfect older sister I wasn't going to be someone she could proudly parade around the country club. So I practiced, and practiced and practiced. I worked until my hands were callused and I was practicing my back swing in my sleep. And I won the junior championship at the club that summer. So I figured that was the formula. Work hard and succeed. It doesn't matter that I hated tennis and that my mother forgot about my win within the week. What matters is I set a goal and I accomplished it. 

            And from then on that was my M.O. and it worked. Until Harvard, and I don't get it! I'm smart; I have a 4.0 GPA to prove that. I have done hundreds; yes hundreds, of hours of community service. I'm the President of my senior class and on tons of committees. And I'm a freakin legacy! That's supposed to count too. And yet nope, no Harvard for Paris, and that hurts. It hurts a lot. And after much evaluation I've decided that my losing my virginity had nothing to do with me not getting in. I mean look at Louise and Madeline, they got into their colleges of choice and they haven't been virgins since we were fifteen. So it comes down to one thing, they didn't want me.

            I know I can be a bitch. I can be ruthless when I'm after something I want. But am I honestly that bad of a person? I don't think so…but that doesn't change the fact that I loathe Harvard. And they're going to regret not wanting me because I am going to do great things. 


	4. Personality

Personality: Madeline

            I've been described as sweet, bubbly, ditzy, naive…well the list could go on and on. And some of the words used are decidedly not nice. But I am. So I don't get when people have such a problem with my personality. Cause, hello, I do have one! I'm just the airhead everyone assumes I am. I know I'm not as smart as Paris or Rory. I'm never going to be as carelessly sexy and chic like Louise. But that doesn't make me a brainless bimbo. 

            My mom, my real mom, not the evil French stepmother used to call me her little Snow White. She told me that the day I was born that's who I looked like. Skin like snow, with raven hair and almond eyes, and of ruby red lips. Just like the princess. So when I was about three I decided to be like Snow White. I would be nice and sweet and kind to others, because that's how true princesses act. And my mom told me I was a true princess. And then she died, but I continued to behave how I think she would have wanted me too.

            So I smile to everyone and say hello, even when I'm not supposed to. It drives Louise and Paris crazy. I could never remember who we weren't talking to. It didn't really matter to me because being kind comes naturally. But today being nice isn't in. Ask Louise. So because I'm sweet and a little absentminded I must have the IQ of wallpaper. Yes, I like looking pretty. I like dressing in nice clothing with a matching purse and lipstick that compliments my clear complexion. I do spend time chasing boys, but usually they're chasing me. I watch Dawson's Creek and it broke my heart when Pacey and Joey broke up. And I'm just as enthusiastic to see them getting together again. I listen to N*sync and Britney and I cared when Justin and Britney broke up. But I also like classical music and older stuff like the Carpenters. I hate gym class because it involves activities designed to make you sweat. I admit, I am a girly-girl. But what's wrong with that?

            I bet you didn't know that I'm involved with Greenpeace and only wear faux fur. That I plan to be a veterinarian and I volunteer at a local animal shelter weekly. I love animals and at the shelter I have my very own kitten. She's black and white and her name is Snow and she is the most adorable kitten in the whole wide world. I can't have her at home because the wicked French stepmother is allergic to any kind of animal. I'm not this piece of fluff that people think I am. Its just most people don't look any deeper than the surface. 

            So maybe I gossip too much and I worry more about my kitten than I do my Lit test. Sometimes I get lost in my own little world and I lose track of the conversation. And my mouth is a little too big for my face and it creates that Julia Roberts smile, but my heart is just as big. And that's what matters. I know I'm never going to have Paris's brain or ambition. Or Rory's natural beauty and grace, or Louise's witty cynicism incased in pure sex appeal. But they're never going to have my heart either. I know my mother told me, true princesses like Snow White; they listen to their heart and let it lead them. And I do, that's just me, my personality. 


End file.
